reflections

attended thanksgiving mass last night during the charismatic prayer session. the celebrant was Father Joe Tan.

in a way, the thanksgiving mass was something really special for me. i mentioned in a few previous posts that the past few weeks have been tough. throughout the weeks, there really wasn’t anything much to be thankful for. i did try to give thanks and really be thankful and grateful for the blessings i have received but it all sounded rather trite and contrived.

i was giving thanks for the sake of giving thanks. there weren’t any convictions in the thanks. just mouthing the words. however, during the mass, it was very different. there was a peace that just came down on me. i didn’t hear His voice or anything, but i felt so much at peace. and something told me that it doesn’t matter whether or not i really felt grateful. the point was that i made an effort to do so when i could just as easily not bothered to.

a lot of times, we say “why me” when the going gets tough. but it’s usually at those tough times that we are tested and that we find out what we are made of. maybe, we may have felt that we have fallen short of the standards. but then again, what if maybe, the whole point is just to know that we are weak? and that in our weakness, God is our strength.

i remember the story of the man and the boulder.

There was a man living by himself in a small cabin in the mountains. One day, God appeared to him and asked him to move a huge and heavy boulder that was near his cabin. The man did not understand why God asked him to push the boulder. However, he did not think to question God. He thought that since God has called him to push the boulder, something was meant to happen.

So the man pushed and pushed. He pushed day and night with all his strength. However, the boulder refused to budge. The man did not give up hope however, and he continued to push and to push. Time went on and yet, the boulder still hasn’t moved an inch. By now, the man was beginning to give up hope.

The devil appeared to him and said to him, “What’s the point of pushing so hard? You’re only a man. You obviously cannot move the mountain. Why don’t you just relax a little bit and stop pushing?”

The man replied, “But my Lord has said to push. I will push a little while more”

The devil continued, “Then, don’t push with all your strength. You have done your best. You won’t succeed at this. Accept that you have failed. It is useless. Then just take it easy and do the least amount of work you can.”

The man was about to give in to the advice of the devil. However, he thought that he would pray about it first. “Lord, I have pushed and pushed. But I have failed you. I am not able to move the boulder even an inch. I am unworthy.”

Just as the man was about to give up, the Lord spoke. “My child, you are not a failure. I have asked you to push the boulder and you have pushed. I have seen you pushed the boulder daily. You were obedient. But I have only asked you to push the boulder. I have not asked you to move it. I will never ask you to do the impossible.

My child, look at your arms. In the time you have spent pushing, your arms have grown stronger. Your back has strengthen and so have your legs. You have grown stronger because you were obedient to my word. You have trusted in me and have been obedient even though you know it was impossible. Now, I will move the boulder.”

heh. PUSH. and have faith in God. so, when life is getting you down, PUSH! when you’re having trouble on your job and things are not working out, well, start PUSHING! when the bills are high and the money is low, PUSH! when people aren’t responding to you in ways you hope and want, PUSH! when people don’t understand you, PUSH!

and that brings me back to Father Joe. he’s a priest who have served God faithfully over 30 years. last year, he was diagnosed with cancer. he shared last night about his fears and about times when he has asked “why?”. however, he stressed that he always give thanks to God for the other blessings he has received and that he knows God will take care of things. now, he says that after the chemotherapy, he’s 40% cleared.

it seems that the thanksgiving mass came right at the time when i needed it most. things haven’t been going well for me. although i haven’t blamed God outright, sometimes, it feels that way when i complained to Him. i would ask Him why hasn’t my life taken a turn for the better when i am already giving Him my life. i would bring up my ministry services to Him. i would tell Him that i have served faithfully in choir and during my praise and worship. i would even tell Him that i even committed myself as a catechist.

heh. this is a wakeup call. God showed me someone who has served Him for 30years as a priest and who is still strong in faith even when he has cancer. this showed me that serving God doesn’t mean we get everything going for us. but that serving Him means that he will be with us even when the going gets tough.

learnt a lot and have been humbled. it gave me a reason to give thanks with a grateful heart once again.

Lord, I ask that in Your mercy and grace, You will continually keep me in check and grant me more humility. Father, I ask for wisdom and understanding that in the face of my fears and hardship, I will be like Job and Father Joe Tan. Father, I thank You for teaching me to be grateful and for being with us even in our times of hardship. I want to be even more firm in my faith. I want to be more obedient to Your word. Father, all this I ask in the name of Your Beloved Son, Jesus Christ of Nazareth. Amen.

so. i was looking back on some very old posts of mine when i came to this post. in that post, i asked myself when is the right time for me to be on fire for God.

seems like God decided to press the issue.

man. it’s actually pretty scary. i think i sort of understand a teeny bit on how Jonah may have felt. but the funny bit is, i kept thinking “at least Jonah knows his calling.” i don’t know what’s my exact calling even though i know i have a calling. it’s weird.

anyway, right now? i can say that whatever doubts i have of finding the “right” time is gone. there is no such thing as the “right” time. there is only now.

heh. went for a Forex workshop. man… it’s interesting. but the fees are not cheap. for a full class, the fees are S$4k+. would i sign up for it? sure. if i have the moolah.

jammed with my friends earlier at Cass’ place. it was refreshing! haven’t been able to jam like this in a while. can’t wait for next week to jam yet again. songs jammed earlier: I’m Yours, Zombie, Lucky.

hope to master a song soon to play as a group.

i’m looking forward to a lot of new things this year. God willing, the things that He has shown me will come to pass.

• stay alive
• keep my sense of humour
• get a real job
• make real money

i started 2009 with a long list of resolutions. some written, some unwritten. couldn’t keep any of them. this year? just this 4 will do. shouldn’t be that hard.

just recalled something that Jean told me:

“when you have reached the very very bottom, there is no where else to go but up.”

so there you have it. i don’t know if i am at the very bottom now or if there is still a ways to go before i hit bottom. if i haven’t, God help me for that means things will still get worse. if this is the very bottom, yay me! i will be able to start climbing up soon.

hoegarden, red horse, colt 45, carlsberg, heineken, absinthe, tequila gold.

my poisons of choice for this new year.

i really am an alcoholic. a functioning alcoholic. and i think i will die of liver failure. but until that happens, cheers!

here’s hoping that 2010 will be a better year.

although to be honest, the pessimist in me has come out full force. the entire 2009 for me has more downs than ups and what i have learnt from it is that i need to treasure the ups that i have. every single day i am living, i need to look for and enjoy the little things. so far, it’s the little things that have made me smile this year.

i’m still single. entirely not by choice. i still have yet to get my car nor my driving license. i have yet to make the big bucks i was hoping for and my career is going nowhere. friends… hmmm. let’s just say that this year, i kind of am glad to end the year knowing there’s a few people i know i can count on. not for anything big obviously. but at least i can rest assured that they would at least be there to listen.

can’t believe i am starting out the new year flat broke. well at least i can say that it’s always easy to fill an empty cup than to fill one that’s full.

i take back whatever i said about this year’s christmas. i said that it would suck and that i am dreading it. however, i had lost the real meaning of christmas.

christmas isn’t a holiday. it’s the day a savior was born. it’s the birthday of my lord and king, Jesus. the 2 weeks leading up to christmas was one fraught with worries. i worry about paying my bills and all that. i still am worrying about my bills actually.

however, like i said, i had lost the real meaning of christmas. it was only while i was serving on the choir during the christmas eve mass did i realise where i was wrong.

since then, things have turned out all right. i’m still not attached. i still have unpaid bills to settle and no means of settling them. i still have a very bad cough. all that pales in comparison to the glory of my lord.

no matter what, God will make a way.

and i enjoyed my christmas. had choir again at 7am on christmas morning. lunch at my grandma’s place followed by rushing all the way to jurong east for sabrina’s christmas party. it was great. after the party, i went out with a few friends to catch a movie.

great movie. followed with supper at some place in sembawang. got home at 3.15am and man… i am looking forward to meeting up again with them. funny people. one thing that kinda rankles though is that in that group, i am the only single guy. but it’s good too because there was only one car and there were 5 of us.

were i to be attached, i doubt i would have been able to join them.

anyways, time for bed.

who am i kidding? work isn’t going as well as i pretend it to be. i’m just living a lie. i don’t even know whether i’m happy or sad. i say i am happy. but if i am happy, why do i feel this way? like i’m going no where.

i say that relationships are over-rated. but… i’m not really very happy. something is missing. there’s still something lacking. ignorance is bliss. i never knew what was really lacking. i know something feels hollow inside. but it’s something i could always have pushed aside. lately though, i am starting to realise what it is i am missing. it’s weird.

shit happens. unless you’re constipated. but that only means you’re just in more shit. only the shit is clogged up inside. heh.

and that’s what i am feeling right now. i feel shitty. definitely not happy. it’s weird. i think, way back when i stopped blogging, i was able to just suck it up and carry on like normal. i didn’t have an outlet to write about things and all that. so what did i do? i stop thinking. i played online games and basically just drowned myself in beer.

now that i have a chance to blog again, i’m slowly examining everything. and everything fucking hurts. i’m living in a house made up of cards. things will collapse any time soon. so what if i say i have a firm foundation in Him when my life really isn’t going as well as i had hoped it would be.

last sunday’s gospel reading was about the parable of the sower.

Matthew 13: 3 – 9, 18 – 23
³Then he told them many things in parables, saying: “A farmer went out to sow his seed. ⁴As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. ⁵Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. ⁶But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. ⁷Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. ⁸Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. ⁹He who has ears, let him hear.”

¹⁸“Listen then to what the parable of the sower means: ¹⁹When anyone hears the message about the kingdom and does not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what was sown in his heart. This is the seed sown along the path. ²⁰The one who received the seed that fell on rocky places is the man who hears the word and at once receives it with joy. ²¹But since he has no root, he lasts only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, he quickly falls away. ²²The one who received the seed that fell among the thorns is the man who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke it, making it unfruitful. ²³But the one who received the seed that fell on good soil is the man who hears the word and understands it. He produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown.”

i don’t want to be like the seeds that fell onto the rocky places or the ones that fell among the thorns. but i can’t help feeling i fell into the thorny bushes. i’m so worried about everything even though i try to act like i am not affected…

went to Paulaner Bräuhaus earlier with her. nice place. reminds me of my first time at Brewerkz. 2 glasses of beer each, fried calamari… not bad. but not cheap either.

want more? of course. but not any time soon. i need to replenish my finances. her treat this time. so it’ll be mine the next. i want to try the knuckle of pork. that and the hog roast. rawr!

i was re-reading the ladder theory and something kind of struck me. now, more than ever, the ladder theory is very relevant to my life. am i on the friends ladder? or on the good ladder?

what am i going to do if i find out i am on the friends ladder? will i accept it as i have always done? or will i fight against the system?

seriously, i have no idea. and i am afraid of what answers i might find. better not to ask and be kept ignorant then to ask and regret.

Cuddle Bitches
cuddle bitch(n) – a guy who never gets to sleep with a girl but gets to have intimate moments with her like cuddling, spooning, or otherwise being affectionate. Usually this will occur in private. She probably considers him a really sweet guy, which is the kiss of death.

For guys unacquainted with Ladder Theory, it is even worse. The cuddle bitch often thinks he is on the good ladder as opposed to the real ladder. So he gets all excited about his position instead of realizing he is being completely used. So this poor tool is really setting himself up for a fall at that point. – ladder theory

i hope never to be anyone’s cuddle bitch.

“Sometimes the mystery is better than the knowing, wouldn’t you say? Sometimes the journey is better than the destination” – Jon Ronson

one of the reasons i don’t do anything to get the result or find out answers to some questions is that i’m afraid of what i’ll find. another reason is although i derive great joy in the pursuit of things, the end result is usually a disappointment.

been reading my old entries earlier. some of them anyway. after being away from blogging for such a long time, it feels good to just type everything down. but before jotting down my thoughts, i decided to read my last few posts prior to the blog dying. heh.

all the initial optimism… i never did managed to achieve fastrack. i never did manage to hit my goals. quite a few friends i’ve made had left the organisation. actually, quite a lot have happened. although at the same time, nothing has changed. weird huh?

ah wells. enough about the past few months. the past few weeks were even more crazy.

but i am happy.