Velleity (noun): a wish or inclination not strong enough to lead to action.

I recently came across this word and I could not believe just how much this actually describes what I am currently experiencing.

My previous post was about my difficulties in finding a job in ESOL. After coming across that word, I wonder if my difficulties are actually difficulties or just excuses.

A good friend asked me a year or so ago what were my plans. I told him I have not made any plans as I have not completed my degree. I am now an exam away from completing my degree and I still have no plans. I have dreams. But dreams without actions will only remain as dreams.

Unfortunately, even though I have these dreams of teaching ESOL overseas, I have no real call to action. I am afraid.

I am afraid I am not good enough. I am afraid of failure. Why bother when I am safe where I am?

Fear has paralysed me.

I will get out of this rut I am in. Step by step.

Word. By. Word.

CELTA (iii)

I have passed the CELTA course. I am now a certified ESOL teacher. On paper.

In real life however, I am not an ESOL teacher. I have applied to a few schools and I have been rejected by all of them. Some cite the fact that I have yet to finish my Bachelor’s as a reason. Yet some others cite the fact that I do not have any relevant ESOL experience as a reason to reject my application. So here I am, stuck in limbo.

My final exams will be held in May 2016 and if everything goes well, my convocation will be held in October 2016. The longer I stay in my current job, the longer I end up not being able to teach ESOL. Not being able to teach ESOL means I will not be able to garner experience in teaching ESOL. I fear my time is running out.

I do not want to teach English in a mainstream school. I want to teach ESOL, not English.

I fear I may have to give up my dream if this goes on. I fear I may settle for teaching English after all.

God help me if that happens.

Actually, all I want is just to teach…

Bali Day 5

It’s our last full day in Ubud, Bali.

Right now, we’re just chilling in Seniman Coffee Studio. Their menu looks good and the selection is quite varied. Apparently, they roast their own beans here as well.

I ordered an iced lemongrass tea while the fiancée ordered Iced Kopi Susu.

The Iced Kopi Susu came on a long tray with water and some kind of coconut jelly. The iced lemongrass tea came with dried fruits.

Iced Lemongrass Tea with dried fruits
Iced Lemongrass Tea with dried fruits

Ice Kopi Susu
Ice Kopi Susu

Seniman Coffee Studio Menu
Seniman Coffee Studio Menu

Bali Day 4

We went for a white water rafting adventure this morning. They picked us up from our hotel at about 9am and brought us to their headquarters. The adventure is expensive. It cost about US$75 per person and it includes lunch as well as insurance.

The facility was sorely lacking though our guide kind of made up for it. I mean, there were no water in the shower stall. Thankfully, we had planned to shower back at the hotel and to just change into yesterday’s clothes instead after the rafting trip.

Anyway, our rafting took place on the Ayung river. Our guide told us later that as it is the dry season, it is only a Class 2 rapids. During the rainy season however, it would be reclassified as a Class 3 rapids.

We didn’t manage to take any photos as we didn’t bring along our phones or cameras. We didn’t have any means of waterproofing them so we didn’t bother. Heh. I want a Gopro camera with the waterproof case and selfie stick for future trips!

I did enjoy myself although on hindsight, I should have done my research. The company we hired was ok but there were a lot of other companies offering white water rafting as well. I should have looked at others and compared prices or even looked online for ones with better facilities. Lunch was also just okay. I’m not complaining though. Just more of a note for future references.

We’re just chilling now in the hotel. We got back just before 2pm and we will be heading out at about 6pm for dinner. In the meantime, I want to rest. I’m not tired due to the rafting. I’m tired from the hike up and down the river!

I didn’t mention earlier but to get to our rafts, we had to trek down to the river. We took at least 15mins trekking down the mountain to the river. There were steps carved into the mountain. Steps were pretty high though. As a short person, I had to stretch. Hah! And the way back up also took about 15mins. It was worth it though.

All in all, it was fun. I’ll do it again in a heartbeat! Different company this time though.