Velleity (noun): a wish or inclination not strong enough to lead to action.
I recently came across this word and I could not believe just how much this actually describes what I am currently experiencing.
My previous post was about my difficulties in finding a job in ESOL. After coming across that word, I wonder if my difficulties are actually difficulties or just excuses.
A good friend asked me a year or so ago what were my plans. I told him I have not made any plans as I have not completed my degree. I am now an exam away from completing my degree and I still have no plans. I have dreams. But dreams without actions will only remain as dreams.
Unfortunately, even though I have these dreams of teaching ESOL overseas, I have no real call to action. I am afraid.
I am afraid I am not good enough. I am afraid of failure. Why bother when I am safe where I am?
Fear has paralysed me.
I will get out of this rut I am in. Step by step.
Word. By. Word.
I have passed the CELTA course. I am now a certified ESOL teacher. On paper.
In real life however, I am not an ESOL teacher. I have applied to a few schools and I have been rejected by all of them. Some cite the fact that I have yet to finish my Bachelor’s as a reason. Yet some others cite the fact that I do not have any relevant ESOL experience as a reason to reject my application. So here I am, stuck in limbo.
My final exams will be held in May 2016 and if everything goes well, my convocation will be held in October 2016. The longer I stay in my current job, the longer I end up not being able to teach ESOL. Not being able to teach ESOL means I will not be able to garner experience in teaching ESOL. I fear my time is running out.
I do not want to teach English in a mainstream school. I want to teach ESOL, not English.
I fear I may have to give up my dream if this goes on. I fear I may settle for teaching English after all.
God help me if that happens.
Actually, all I want is just to teach…